101 Excuses for Not Getting a Job

I've spent more than 25,000 hours as a consultant in one-on-one career counseling sessions. Most sessions are fun, exciting, and productive. But, like any counselor,  I've had clients who sink in quicksand, and don't want to get out...  These are the whiners, negative thinkers, tantrum-throwers, and excuse-makers. They see the glass as half empty, they "yes, but" every suggestion, and they believe Paul Harvey's humorous dictum, "There's no sense worrying, nothing's going to turn out alright." I listened to die-hard pessimists for ten years until I got sick and tired of hearing why things couldn't be done. I listed the excuses on paper to clear my mind, writing as fast as I could, barely keeping up with my racing thoughts. Years of whining and complaining poured out onto the page—my hand cramped—and this entertaining list is the result. Now, when clients fall into a prolonged excuse mode—when they continually miss meetings, ignore assignments, or fail to take any action whatsoever on their own behalf—I show them this list. As we laugh together—they do laugh, because it's funny—a lightbulb comes on. (Or else lightning strikes.) They realize they've used many of these same lines to justify their own procrastination, inactivity, and outright irresponsibility. They realize they've fallen into a "yes, but" mentality—or something worse—and this often helps them think differently and get going. They say, for example, "Yeah, I see I've been using a lot of these same crummy excuses to avoid getting out and meeting people"—or something to that effect. And after that, excuses dwindle sharply and real progress begins.

1.  

	As you'll see below, money—or lack of it—is a common theme in the excuse manufacturing business. Time, or lack of same, is another common raw material in cooking up handy, believable excuses. It's fun to blame time, because it can't fight back. Time and Money are two big factors in excuse-making. No surprises there. Here's the famous list, below. It's not complete, by any means, but it's a good start toward stagnation, procrastination, irresponsibility, and all-out failure. Take it for what it's worth, pass it around, and add any handy excuses we've missed.

2.  

	1.    I'm too old (or, too young) to find work. 2.    I don't have enough money. 3.    I don't speak enough English/Spanish/Russian/Navajo for them to hire me. 4.    I fail at everything I try. Why bother? 5.    I don't have a car/a phone/a fax/a pager/a computer/an alarm clock. 6.    I'm too shy. 7.    I don't know where to start. 8.    I don't have a degree (or, the proper education). 9.    It's impossible. I've tried before. 10. No one would want me (or, my skills). 11. It's too late in the day (or, the season, or the year, or in my life) to find a job now. 12. It would take too much effort. 13. I don't have the time. 14. I'm engaged to be married; once I'm married my problems will all be solved. 15. I'm not strong enough. 16. It might ruin my health. 17. I can't take rejection. 18. I'm registered with a temp service (or, employment agency, or union, or major employer) and they haven't called me yet. 19. I've applied already, and they turned me down. 20. There's too much competition for jobs. 21. I don't know how to look for work. 22. There's no point in starting a job search. 23. I'd lose my shirt. I'd lose my kids medicaid, and what happens if they get sick and need to see a doctor. 24. I don't have any work clothes (or, I don't have any good clothes, or steel-toed shoes, or dress shoes, or a hard hat, or necktie). 25. I don't have any family here (or, where the jobs are located). 26. The economy is terrible here (or, the housing situation is terrible here, or where the jobs are located). 27. I already sold all my tools. 28. I'm pregnant (or, trying to get pregnant). 29. It would spoil my vacation. 30. The timing isn't right. 31. I'm waiting until the kids get out of school (or, back in school, or until they graduate from school). 32. I can't sell. 33. They don't offer enough benefits. 34. I need more of a challenge (or, it's too much of a challenge). 35. I'm not a morning person. 36. I worked and paid taxes for two (or, five or ten) years, and it's high time for me to relax and get the benefit of what I've paid in. 37. This is the wrong time of my life. 38. It would mean starting over. 39. I might fail. 40. I don't have the energy. 41. I don't drive on the freeway/at night/in that neighborhood/ in ice and snow on narrow roads/out of my part of town. 42. I don't have any auto insurance. 43. I'm not into the eight-to-five scene. 44. I'm barely making it now, and I can't afford to waste time and gasoline searching for a job all over town. 45. I'm too fat (or, thin). 46. I'm a rock musician (or, poet, or writer, or painter). I haven't got any gigs yet, but I have to be free when they call. 47. A new necktie (or, magazine subscription, or briefcase, or mailings) would cost too much. 48. I'm not feeling well. 49. I'm planning to go back to school some time in the future, so I can't work. 50. I don't want to think about my problems right now. 51. The weather is too hot (or, too cold). 52. It doesn't pay to work in this town. 53. There's nothing within walking distance of my house. 54. It won't work. 55. Anybody could do that job; I want something challenging. 56. It's too much of a challenge. 57. I don't want them to make me cut my hair, or tie it up. 58. My husband wouldn't let me. My wife wouldn't let me. 59. Public transportation doesn't run that early/that late/that far/that reliably. 60. I can't find any free day care. 61. I can't stand the smell of plastic (or, bus exhaust, or flowers, or machine oil, or food, or people). 62. This town's too small (or, too big) to find a job. 63. There's no jobs out there. (sic) 64. If I word around food, I'll start eating, and there will be no stopping me. 65. The boss will start talking some trash, and I'll lose my temper and get fired again, so why bother? 66. I just arrived in town, and you want me to start looking for a job already? 67. I just got married/got divorced/broke up with my lover. 68. They're not hiring. 69. I'm a woman (or, I'm a man, I'm an Anglo, I'm a minority . . . etc.) 70. It's raining (or, sleeting, snowing, blowing) outside. 71. I can't stand (or, sit, or walk, or lay down) for long periods of time. And I don't like talking on the phone, using computers, or meeting people or cats . . . , etc., etc., etc. 72. I'm not in the mood. 73. I had surgery last year. 74. I have a headache/backache/neckache. 75. The tires on my car are bald. 76. I'm not strong enough. 77. I'm not gonna drive sixteen miles, morning and evening, through freeway traffic, for a lousy $15.15/hour (or, $16.50/hour, or $32.50/hour, or $50,000/year). 78. I'm worth more than they could afford to pay me. 79. It's been tried before. 80. They say I'm overqualified. 81. I've got 12 weeks of unemployment benefits left, and if I don't use them I lose them. 82. It would be too hard to start. 83. I'm not about to lower myself to take the kinds of jobs they're offering. 84. I couldn't do it alone. 85. They always want a drug test, and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction. 86. All they have are dead-end jobs, with no hope for quick advancement to upper management. 87. My kids are never going to get dumped into day care if I have anything to say about it. 88. I've got a "thing" about traveling on public buses. 89. If I work, my ex will garnish my wages for child support, and I'll just have to quit and start over again. 90. I don't work at any job that isn't fun. When it stops being fun, I leave. 91. I don't use public restrooms. 92. It would take too long. 93. I don't look for work outside my field. 94. I'm not a risk taker. It's too risky. 95. It can't be done. 96. It's summer vacation! (or, the Holidays, or Spring Break, or the championship playoff season.) 97. It's too damn far. 98. If they don't like the way I dress, screw 'em. 99. It's not practical. I've got to be realistic. 100.               I don't want to drive two hours for a one-hour meeting. 101.               Nothing would come of it.

How to Job-Proof Your Recession

Here are 10 easy ways to make sure that this recession flat out crushes you…

I know, I know, everyone wants to find a job during these tough times.

But do they…. really? The tactics I see people using seem almost guaranteed to result in failure… so, in the spirit of How to Self-Destruct, here is a checklist you can use to make sure you are doing what you can to job-proof your recession.

After all, if you roll with it and let the wave of prosperity carry you along when times are good, it should hold that you should ride the wave of destitution when times are tough… right?

(Lance and Willy, thanks for the inspirations.)

Well, regardless of your answer to that last question, follow this advice to maximize your free time in ‘09:

1.    Change your Twitter bio to read, “Looking for a job.” This is analogous to going to a bar wearing a shirt that reads, “Looking for a spouse.” We all know how this story ends. Like Van Halen said: “Jaime’s crying.”

2.    Apply to millions of jobs. Why take the time to find the one job that’s right for you and put your passion into that, when you can put minimal effort into scores of applications and whiff them all?

3.    “There was nothing I could do, it was a layoff thing.” Excellent. Blame the economy. By doing so, you have effectively neutered yourself—because if it’s not you, then there’s nothing you can do about it, so you may as well accept what you’re given. Don’t waste a moment thinking about how you might have made yourself “unfireable,” or who you might have built a relationship with who could’ve pulled you aside and said, “Psst, listen, you’re going to be let go, but here’s the number of someone you should call… they’re hiring, and I already told them about you…” If you did that, you wouldn’t have a great commiserating story to share at the bar!

4.    “There was nothing I could do, the company went belly up.” See #3.

5.    Adopt a bad attitude. Because I bet the people you’re interviewing with just love it when candidates coming in dripping with resentment. Seriously, which is more bitter, you or your coffee? I hope it’s you.

6.    Become one with the major job board. I know you like to talk about standing out. I also know that plan is super hard to execute when standing in the middle of a crowd of hundreds. Of thousands.

7.    Really emphasize work/life balance. Employees: with so many people looking to replace you, it’s good to make it easy for them by announcing that you only want to work so hard for the money. Searchers: Ratchet down your chances by making the job hunt a part time endeavor!

8.    Piss people off. Friends can only help you. Alienate them.

9.    Stay home. This is the very first thing in How to Self-Destruct: if 90% of success is showing up, then this will reduce your odds considerably.

10.  Get defensive about your skills. Ever notice how you can feel when someone gets defensive around you and how it can totally kill the vibe in a conversation? And how you have a physical reaction to defensiveness that makes you want to run the other way? I’m just saying.

What are the alternatives? How do I feel about the topic when I’m not writing tongue-in-cheek? Here you go:

1.    Use your Twitter bio to talk about what you want to do and/or the problems you can solve. Make yourself interesting to me. Make me WANT to reach out because I can tell immediately why I’d want you in my network.

2.    Focus. Discriminate. Ironically, you become a lot more attractive to a lot more people if you zero in on what you want. The way it works is that people like the way you sound, plug your vision into theirs, see it doesn’t quite fit, and then negotiate a middle ground.

3.    Two words: personal responsibility.

4.    Two words: personal responsibility. Look, I know you don’t control the finances. But it doesn’t matter. If you want to control your own destiny, then you have to control your own destiny! As I say in How to Self-Destruct: the only thing scarier than accepting control for your life is abdicating control over your life.

5.    The answer to the question “Hey, how are you” is, “I’m good… no complaints.” Because even if you do have complaints, I don’t care! Be grateful that you woke up this morning. Life on Earth was once described to me as an Outward Bound-like experience for angels. The trip may be super tough, but appreciate that you’re on it.

6.    Become one with your desires. Practice articulating your personal sales pitch. Focus!

7.    We are not here to take it easy, we are here to learn and grow. And that means making tough choices. If this economic bloodbath hasn’t convinced you that security is illusory and the best way to enjoy your life is to follow your passions as opposed to playing it safe, then tell me: what’s it gonna take? Balance is bunk, Sweet Pea.

8.    Be nice to everyone. Help everyone. If you see yourself as having no competitors, then you will have no competitors. If you see yourself as in a death race, then others will hoard resources from you same as you do to them.

9.    Get out there! Yeesh, this one’s easy.

10.  Own the feedback! What’s it cost you to accept feedback? You don’t have to agree with it, even, but accepting it provides the other side validation and creates a path to resolve whatever interpersonal issue is at hand without a fight.

In all seriousness, best wishes, and if you’re going through hell right now, may the trip be a short, non-stopper. If you need some perspective, try How to Self-Desturct It’ll make you laugh and get you back on track faster than you can scream, “Hooray! Autodeposit has been verified!”