How to Job-Proof Your Recession

Here are 10 easy ways to make sure that this recession flat out crushes you…

I know, I know, everyone wants to find a job during these tough times.

But do they…. really? The tactics I see people using seem almost guaranteed to result in failure… so, in the spirit of How to Self-Destruct, here is a checklist you can use to make sure you are doing what you can to job-proof your recession.

After all, if you roll with it and let the wave of prosperity carry you along when times are good, it should hold that you should ride the wave of destitution when times are tough… right?

(Lance and Willy, thanks for the inspirations.)

Well, regardless of your answer to that last question, follow this advice to maximize your free time in ‘09:

1.    Change your Twitter bio to read, “Looking for a job.” This is analogous to going to a bar wearing a shirt that reads, “Looking for a spouse.” We all know how this story ends. Like Van Halen said: “Jaime’s crying.”

2.    Apply to millions of jobs. Why take the time to find the one job that’s right for you and put your passion into that, when you can put minimal effort into scores of applications and whiff them all?

3.    “There was nothing I could do, it was a layoff thing.” Excellent. Blame the economy. By doing so, you have effectively neutered yourself—because if it’s not you, then there’s nothing you can do about it, so you may as well accept what you’re given. Don’t waste a moment thinking about how you might have made yourself “unfireable,” or who you might have built a relationship with who could’ve pulled you aside and said, “Psst, listen, you’re going to be let go, but here’s the number of someone you should call… they’re hiring, and I already told them about you…” If you did that, you wouldn’t have a great commiserating story to share at the bar!

4.    “There was nothing I could do, the company went belly up.” See #3.

5.    Adopt a bad attitude. Because I bet the people you’re interviewing with just love it when candidates coming in dripping with resentment. Seriously, which is more bitter, you or your coffee? I hope it’s you.

6.    Become one with the major job board. I know you like to talk about standing out. I also know that plan is super hard to execute when standing in the middle of a crowd of hundreds. Of thousands.

7.    Really emphasize work/life balance. Employees: with so many people looking to replace you, it’s good to make it easy for them by announcing that you only want to work so hard for the money. Searchers: Ratchet down your chances by making the job hunt a part time endeavor!

8.    Piss people off. Friends can only help you. Alienate them.

9.    Stay home. This is the very first thing in How to Self-Destruct: if 90% of success is showing up, then this will reduce your odds considerably.

10.  Get defensive about your skills. Ever notice how you can feel when someone gets defensive around you and how it can totally kill the vibe in a conversation? And how you have a physical reaction to defensiveness that makes you want to run the other way? I’m just saying.

What are the alternatives? How do I feel about the topic when I’m not writing tongue-in-cheek? Here you go:

1.    Use your Twitter bio to talk about what you want to do and/or the problems you can solve. Make yourself interesting to me. Make me WANT to reach out because I can tell immediately why I’d want you in my network.

2.    Focus. Discriminate. Ironically, you become a lot more attractive to a lot more people if you zero in on what you want. The way it works is that people like the way you sound, plug your vision into theirs, see it doesn’t quite fit, and then negotiate a middle ground.

3.    Two words: personal responsibility.

4.    Two words: personal responsibility. Look, I know you don’t control the finances. But it doesn’t matter. If you want to control your own destiny, then you have to control your own destiny! As I say in How to Self-Destruct: the only thing scarier than accepting control for your life is abdicating control over your life.

5.    The answer to the question “Hey, how are you” is, “I’m good… no complaints.” Because even if you do have complaints, I don’t care! Be grateful that you woke up this morning. Life on Earth was once described to me as an Outward Bound-like experience for angels. The trip may be super tough, but appreciate that you’re on it.

6.    Become one with your desires. Practice articulating your personal sales pitch. Focus!

7.    We are not here to take it easy, we are here to learn and grow. And that means making tough choices. If this economic bloodbath hasn’t convinced you that security is illusory and the best way to enjoy your life is to follow your passions as opposed to playing it safe, then tell me: what’s it gonna take? Balance is bunk, Sweet Pea.

8.    Be nice to everyone. Help everyone. If you see yourself as having no competitors, then you will have no competitors. If you see yourself as in a death race, then others will hoard resources from you same as you do to them.

9.    Get out there! Yeesh, this one’s easy.

10.  Own the feedback! What’s it cost you to accept feedback? You don’t have to agree with it, even, but accepting it provides the other side validation and creates a path to resolve whatever interpersonal issue is at hand without a fight.

In all seriousness, best wishes, and if you’re going through hell right now, may the trip be a short, non-stopper. If you need some perspective, try How to Self-Desturct It’ll make you laugh and get you back on track faster than you can scream, “Hooray! Autodeposit has been verified!”